Stephen’s third disciplinary proved to be his last, the generous pay off he received allowing him to be something of a man of leisure.
Days which had previously been filled in the fulfilling pursuit of customer service excellence were now spent watching reruns of Top Gear and making nuisance phone calls to the women’s gym across the road.
Stephen had rekindled old relationships with the racist American teenagers he played Call of Duty with over his patchy broadband connection, but he couldn’t help but miss the bawdy office banter. The bawdy office banter of which he was the sole instigator.
Though his constant innuendos and failure to respect personal space had cost him his lucrative telesales job, Stephen was a slave to the banter.
Finding someone with which to indulge his debilitating vice, however, proved to be a challenge.
The post office stopped knocking on his door, preferring to leave his parcels in the rain rather than run the risk of a prolonged and uncomfortable conversation.
His local newsagent stop stocking ‘lads’ mags in an attempt to deter him from standing around and leering. Eventually even the charity shop where he volunteered decided to relocate to the other side of town, neglecting to tell Stephen in the process.
Finally, thirsting for ribaldry in any shape or form and receiving no reinforcement, positive or negative, Stephen was forced to take desperate measures. He began making inappropriate remarks to the haunted reflection in the bathroom mirror, sending lewd text messages to his own phone, and sexually harassing himself via food with a crudely spunking breaded sausage cock.
This proved to be the final indignity for Stephen. He disappeared without a trace shortly after watching a Dapper Laughs video on Youtube.
Some say that as he boarded the last banterbus into the sunset his eyes were bleeding tears of pure undiluted laddishness. Others whispered that perhaps he was off to spread word of the presence of a new messiah among overcompensating men, a permatanned prince of patter ready to share the sacrament of the frozen-meal-that-did-look-quite-like-a-penis.